The Long and Winding Road

It is 7 am on a Sunday; I know I should be asleep in a warm bed next, but I wide awake doing the usual. It's really hard for me to sleep in at all, and I didn't even go to bed until 1 last night. I don't understand this concept. Brian has been asleep since 8:30 (!) last night; I just don't know how he can sleep so long. During my short five-week stint at Starbucks (and I am so glad that I never have to go back), there were times when I would have to be at work at 6:30 am and I could never sleep those nights. I mean, really, could not sleep. I would toss and turn and have to go into the other room and watch TV and I would never find myself tired. The scariest part is that I thought I would end up like Christian Bale's character in "The Machinist," who hasn't slept in a year.
I hate the fact that I still haven't met any people here (except at school, which I will probably drop out of next semester; more to come later). I want to like living here, but it is difficult because my social life (except with Brian) is non-existent. I try to think about my sister-in-law, Sarah, moving around a lot and when she came to Kentucky last year. She seemed to make friends through my brother very easily, plus she is very involved with tennis, so she met a few people through the sport. I miss her and I wish that I was as outgoing and as positive as her all the time.
My hair is constantly making me upset; I had a trim last week at Supercuts (because I don't really know of any places to go around here) and then dyed it darker myself. The blondish/reddish thing was not looking so great anymore. So I am trying this semi-permanent color every four weeks or so from now on until my hair is normal again. This problem reoccurs all the time.
About school: I feel like I am not fully committed to my program in Public History at school, I dread the commute on Mondays and Tuesdays, I feel inferior to my classmates, and I really don't want to take out loans anymore. Even though I have a half-tuition scholarship, it is still too much to pay. I've met some nice people, but they either live in Boston or just too far in general. Mary is the nicest person I met in the program; she went to Brown and lives in Carver. She is getting married in November. She's a lovely person and we have gone to the Isabella Stewart-Gardner museum and have gone out for dinner, etc. There are a few other nice people as well, but if my heart isn't in school, then I can't continue because of them. Also, I have to take this foreign language proficiency exam in Japanese, and I have no possible chance of passing it, at least not this semester.
I'm thinking about getting a job at Fidelity as a customer service representative or working with 401K's, IRA's, etc. I actually really enjoy that kind of thing. I'm going to start sending out resumes after Thanksgiving. I have a bank job as a part-time teller already and I'm making the same rate I made at my former job at Stock yards bank, but I will need to get a full time position, obviously.
Have you ever felt that you don't fit in somewhere? I think I've felt that everyday. Not just here, everywhere. I feel quite isolated at times and misunderstood.

Every journal entry is like a pity party, yet I'm the only one invited.

I miss home, family, friends in Kentucky. And elsewhere.

Looking forwards... and backwards

I know that today is September 11th, everyone does. Last night, Brian's mom and I watched "60 Minutes" about the children who lost a parent five years ago today. It was really heartbreaking. Other than that, I am thinking about it, but I don't really want to talk about that horrible day right now. I really hope that doesn't sound selfish.

Today is also the day of my first class at Northeastern-- Theory and Methodology of history. Last Tuesday, we had a meeting with the other graduate students and professors and then a barbeque afterwards. I enjoyed meeting the other students, including Mary from Carver, Leslie from Kentucky (!), etc. I cannot believer there is another student from Kentucky in my program; she went to Georgetown College and has been out of school for over a year, just like me. For my two classes, I have twenty books to read (well, maybe there will just be passages from a few); I wish that the teachers would publish the syllabus so that I can order some of the books I need to read later online. They are so expensive at the bookstore.

I got the job at Starbucks; I thought they were hiring several people, but apparently, out of so many interviews, they only chose me, oh and another girl later on in the week. I worked three training shifts last week and there is actually a lot to learn, especially on how to make the hot drinks and drink calling, etc. Even though the job is okay and doesn't pay too badly, I am still trying to find jobs at banks in Metrowest Boston. Or another part-time job, such as an administrative assistant. I applied to a few jobs yesterday for Digital Credit Union; I don't know if I will get a call from them or what. I also applied for a teller position at Bank of America, now my bank, and I was deemed to not be a teller on the assessment. There wasn't any math or actually teller stuff, just questions like how well you did in school (very) and what kind of job you want, etc. Damn, if they are that picky, then they will never get anyone. So, we shall see about the other jobs.

On Friday, Brian's mom and I went to eat at Boston Market, a very good place. I love the butternut squash and spinach!! On Saturday, Brian and I went to the L.L. Bean store and I bought a pair of black snowboots for the winter; they are quite cute. I could have spent a long time in the store, but Brian isn't much of a shopper. Then, we went to the mall in Burlington, which had Sephora and some other cool stores. We drove through Lexington and saw the two houses he lived in when he was growing up in the area. We ate at a Mexican restaurant for dinner and then went to Keith and Sarah's house to watch TV. We stayed in their guest bedroom overnight; it was a nice sleep for me because the bed here is a hard foam mattress and quite uncomfortable. Yesterday morning, we drove home and at Friendly's for brunch and just did whatever yesterday. I watched "American History X" and took a walk. Crazy movie. I'm trying to take a walk everyday; it would be nice to lose weight but it's so hard. Besides, I haven't had much of an appetite most of the time anyway. The weekend was an exception.

So, I have to leave at two to go into school. It will take about 1.5 hours to get there. Ugh. Well, we are going to look for apartments soon, and closer to the city.

So let it rain, rain on me...

Well, now we have Hurricane Ernesto, but I shouldn't complain, because we haven't had too much rain in Mass. since I've been here. Last night, we went to a party at Brian's friends' house-- Keith and Sarah. They are very nice people and Brian plays a Friday night gig with Keith at Perennials restaurant in Sturbridge. Speaking of which, we went to Old Sturbridge Village (a living history village set in the 1830's) on Friday as part of my birthday gift. It was nice and kind of resurges me to want to study Public History. Although, I am and have been quite worried about everything. I'm going into Boston on Tuesday to 1) meet with the professor who I will be doing research for this semester-- Ilham Khuri-Makdisi, 2) going to a meeting with my fellow grad students and a barbeque, 3) get my student ID made, 4) fill out an I-9 form and have my loan deferrment paper signed, etc., etc. I don't even know when I will leave Bolton. I'm thinking about now driving to the end of the Green line on the subway and taking that to Northeastern, since it is on the Green line. Or I could drive to the red line again, whatever.

I got a job at Macy's on Wednesday working in either accessories or Coach purses. However, it doesn't pay very well, except on Sundays, when I get time and a half pay. I do have an interview today at Starbucks, and I would get paid more, but the hours aren't as regular. Choices.

Happy Birthday to me!!

Yes, I feel like I have been quite anti-social lately and I feel rather bad about it. It is not that I am trying to ignore anyone either. It's been kind of strange living up here in Massachusetts away from the world I know. I don't know many people here, mostly because I haven't started school and I do not have a job yet. I applied to Borders books and cafe last night; they are actually hiring at the Salomon Pond location.

So, today is in fact my birthday and I am a very old twenty-four. My goodness! No, I'm really not old at all. Tonight, Brian and I are going to a restaurant in Worchester called The Sole Proprietor, it should be very good; The Sole is a seafood place. Brian is at work now; he got a job teaching instrumental music to 5th and 6th graders in Tewksbury, Mass. I am happy for him, and now, I hope to get a job myself! I haven't really been trying though because I didn't know what my school schedule was going to be until yesterday. In exchange for my tuition waiver, I have to work for a teacher for ten hours a week either doing research or being a teaching assistant. I am working with Dr. Ilham Khuri-Makdisi, who specializes in Middle Eastern and Mediterranean history. I will be her research assistant and she said that the hours would be flexible, which is great for me, considering that I have to commute more than an hour to school anyway. I only have to go in two days a week- Monday and Tuesday, which is not bad. We have a graduate school meeting on September 5th at 3:30 and I'm meeting Ilham at 2:30 so that is good.

I've really enjoyed my time here in New England and I've really enjoyed meeting Brian's family. His parents are really nice; it's a little awkward living here, but I believe that we will be in a new place by October 1st, and preferably somewhere closer to the city.

I hope to go camping sometime again sometime this next month. As some of you know, we went to Cape Cod a few weeks ago and we went canoeing up in Maine. And it was so much fun! I really want to go to Vermont or New Hampshire to the mountains. It is really beautiful here.

I still miss Kentucky and my friends (from everywhere) though...

They've got a name for the winners in the world, I want a name when I lose...

Well, it's been a while. That should honestly be the first sentence of every blog I ever write. I'm just not a very consistent, organized person. Anyway, the best news-- tomorrow is my very last day at Stock Yards bank! Hip hip hooray. Hmmm, I wonder if anything interesting will happen.

The bad news-- I am again in an argument with my father, Brian hasn't gotten a teaching job yet in Mass., and some people don't want me to go to grad school. Yes, I am taking out loans (some, not all), but it's my life. That Bon Jovi song. Regardless, it is my debt and it will be paid eventually.

So next Wednesday, Brian is flying down here from Mass. and then we are driving back up there with a carload of stuff. We're stopping in Niagara Falls on Thursday night and then going to Bolton (yes, Bolton not Boston) on Friday. I get to finally meet his parents!! Yay for the ex-hippies. I am so excited. And I get to see my long-lost cousins in Nashua, New Hampshire. They sound very nice.

I went to the Def Leppard/Journey concert Saturday night. It rocked, except for the fact that there were sniper shootings on I-65 in Indiana, which we had to travel. We missed the shootings by about an hour or so though. I feel very badly for the family of the man who was killed.

I will try to write in this often when I go up to Mass. so that I can update the one or two people who read my journal. Thanks Katherine, for commenting on the last entry!

In the perfunctory news of the day, I am really getting into "Project Runway." They had to create outfits inspired by dogs last night! Uly and the pug won! Yes!

But tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun...

Does anyone read this journal? Please comment if you do. Otherwise, is there really a purpose to writing it?

My job has really been sucking lately. However, my personal love life has not. I'm a woman who has known several men on an intimate level, and I find myself again, falling in love with one of them. I have been living with Brian for almost four weeks now, and we have gotten along very well, despite his messiness and whining and being the eight-year girl I really am inside this body. And now, he's leaving on Friday to move back to Massachusetts. I will soon follow sometime in August. So during the month of July, I plan to work incessantly at the bank (four Saturdays in a row as well), exercise a lot at LAC, watch a lot of weird arthouse cinema, which I plan on renting from Wild and Woolly Video (Fuck Blockbuster), reading books about France and other places I want to travel to, and hanging with my family and the few friends I have in Louisville who are not perfunctory idiots(sorry, I know deep down, everyone has their virtues).

Today I am in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, which puts little Oxford, Mississippi to shame in some ways, although you will never hear me saying "Roll Tide Roll." This is due in part to my loyalty to the Rebels and to Phil, who loves Auburn. War Eagle!! In some ways, I am deeply happy that I went to school at Ole Miss, and in other ways, I find myself ashamed because I dated two ignoramuses while there, I didn't study abroad, etc. Anyway, this town is nice, but Oxford is probably better and has more character, definitely.

Currently, I am reading "Le Divorce" about an American girl's life in France. I really like it, but will have to comment further on it later, as Brian's friend Chris needs to use to computer. Au revoir bebe...

And the hardest part was letting go and not taking part...

I am worried that we don't really care for each other and are only together for convenience or companionship or something. Sometimes, I think about another person who I feel intellectually and spiritually drawn to, but am not exactly the most physically attracted to. But maybe I don't really know him. I love Brian, but lately with the combination of his crazy brother, his dirty house, and his apathetic and insouciant attitude, I don't know what to do. He's supposed to come with me this weekend for Graham's wedding, and he's like 8 am is too early to leave. This for a guy who isn't participating in anything this summer. Get off your lazy bum!! So, in essence, I don't know exactly what to do. And I may want to move to Brighton and have roommates, instead of living with Brian thirty or more minutes outside of Boston.

I am aware that there is something completely wrong with my digestive system, again, and I need to see a GI soon. It scares me because no matter what I eat now, I tend to feel sick in some way.

I have to take a shower and go to work now. I really ought to write in this every day.

"I never thought I could fail..."

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I’ve changed my face, I’ve changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose

Don’t give up
’cos you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not beaten yet
Don’t give up
I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we’d be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up
We don’t need much of anything
Don’t give up
’cause somewhere there’s a place
Where we belong

Rest your head
You worry too much
It’s going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don’t give up
Please don’t give up

’got to walk out of here
I can’t take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river’s flowing
That river’s flowing

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

Don’t give up
’cause you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not the only one
Don’t give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are
Don’t give up
You know it’s never been easy
Don’t give up
’cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong

I really like this song; Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush duet on it but supposedly there is a new version with Bono and Mary J. Blige. I am so tired tonight. A little lonely too, because it is Derby Eve and I am not doing anything, even though I was sort of invited out with Marianne and some others and I had dinner with Natalie from Stock Yards. Oh, and I was invited to Porcini for drinks with Kyla, Brian (hers), Celeste and Stephen, so maybe I am popular.

In other news, I miss my boyfriend. If he were here, I would be snoozing and schmoozing over at his house; however, he went to Massachusetts to interview for a teaching position at a middle school. This is excellent, especially for us if he gets this job. But again, I miss him and he will be gone until next Thursday or Friday. However, as always, I have a busy agenda. But is my busy agenda social or just dorky? Last week, I actually had a bit of fun. On Monday, I worked out and Brian and I went to Gumbo-a-go-go for dinner and then to Dark Star (a bar) to watch the very awesome Red Sox-Yankees game (of course, the Sox won!) and Tuesday, I went to the Jazz Factory with Kyla and Celeste, then to O'Shea's with the girls, Brian and some of his Metro band crew. There have been some issues at work and I hate complaining about it because my job could definitely be worse, but the tension was high between some of the employees this week, including me. I think it is because my bank itself is just becoming shady. Well, I only have three months to go and I want to leave on good terms and get a good reference. Anyway, after staying out until 12:30 on Tuesday night, I just decided to take a sick day from work Wednesday. I still have four sick days left to take now. Brian stayed over, we went to Bob Evans for brunch, and then we went to Churchill Downs to watch a little pre-Derby horse racing. I tried to stay incognito and actually saw a customer and an ex-employee from work. It was quite humorous. They didn't see me though. Then Brian and I ate pizza at his house and I came home and rented "Match Point," a Woody Allen film that was really good. Another must-see film for everyone.

Thursday, I came back to work, which was a little better with the aid of Stephanie, my super-enthusiastic co-worker and good friend. I did a CASA visit right after work, which I feel like I am completely failing at anyway, and then I went to my second job at A Taste of Kentucky. I was tired when I got home, but I wanted to see Brian before he left for Massachusetts, so I went over there and we watched the old version of "Cape Fear." I had a hard time sleeping (not because of what Phil thinks either) and I basically could not sleep past 3 am. And Friday is a super long day at work, so that didn't help. Today is Oaks Day, the precursor for the Kentucky Derby, the greatest two minutes in sports, folks. Oaks Day is the big race for the fillies (female thoroughbreds) and a lot of locals attend, including my brothers. They also happened to meet Eli Manning and asked him if he knew me because we both went to Ole Miss, which obviously, he did not. Anyway, we all dressed up at work and wore hats and dresses, which was fun. Tensions were eased and a Cinco De Mayo potluck was also served for lunch. I made a "Better than sex" chocolate cake, which sometimes is and sometimes isn't. Regardless, it was good.

I am very happy with Brian, which is scary because of my track record with men. He is just a good guy and person. And I feel bad for him now because he failed a part of his graduate school, orals for the trumpet, and has to come back to Louisville in August to retake them to get his master's degree. He is going to stay in Kentucky until the end of June (most likely) and I will probably live with him at the perfectly quaint Eutropia Court, because Bobby and Jason are moving out. And that house will be clean, I am not kidding.

The way I feel now, well, I feel too attached. It is a scary feeling, like losing control over yourself. I want to be independent, but let's face it, I love men and I love having a good one around all the time. I hate being single, and it is rare that I am. Kyla and I are definitely alike in that respect. So I put up a picture of us (even though he doesn't smile in pics) is just because I love him, I love Brian, so very much.

Oh, good news, I get to pay off my car loan with my new student loans that I will be acquiring in the fall for Northeastern. Goodbye, Focus car payment. Hello, fifteen more years of student loans...

Easter

Last week was busy. Work was busy since we were short on people (I didn't get to take a break for two days in a row; it could've been worse but I complain a lot). Monday, Sarah and I went to the CASA volunteer dinner and we chose shawls, which the bridesmaids will wear, at her wedding at David's Bridal. She bought us pearl earrings (faux) at Ann Taylor and another "surprise." Tuesday night was my night for bunco (a dice game). There are eight women in my bunco group: three of us work at SYB, three work at BB&T and two are siblings of my friends Steph and Lindsey. We have met once a month since November and play for money. I held bunco at Steph's, because my house is simply too small for the group. We had salad, Stouffer's chicken enchiladas, nachos and baked cheetos (I never ate cheetos as a child, but I love these!), and angel food cake with a strawberry glaze. I was happy with my food selection and I think everyone else liked it too. Steph and I split second place-- it's the third time I've won money and the fourth or fifth time for her. We both got $20; well, we each put in $10 so we won $10. Wednesday, I took a lovely walk and went over to Brian's and we went to the Granville to meet his friend Patrick. Finally, Thursday, I worked at Taste of Kentucky with Linda. She was kind of in a bad mood but not with me, with the store manager. Anyway, Friday was the typical long day at work (as all of us bankers know) and I had lunch with Eliot (my brother) at Chick-fil-a. Brian came over that night and we went to Yang Kee Noodle (this little faux Asian place in Oxmoor mall) and then we went to see "Inside Man" at Stonybrook. Great flick and the soundtrack was by none other than Terrance Blanchard, who we saw at the Jazz Kitchen in Indianapolis in January. And Clive Owen isn't so bad looking either, but I think my boyfriend is sexier, well, just because he is here and real. I'm not really one for celebrity crushes, not even when I was a teenybopper. I'm more into musicians myself.

I am truly obsessed with the Internet movie database website, aka imdb.com. I love it and when I go on there to check out a movie, I am generally on there for like an hour checking out biographies, sypnopses, user comments, etc. There are some movies I want to see really badly right now like "Match Point," "Looking for Mr. Goodbar," Hitchcock movies, "Blade Runner" for the second time.

Anyway, yesterday was busy too. I worked at the bank (oh, I have to love that overtime pay), baked a pineapple casserole and a quiche, worked at a Taste of Kentucky, and bowled two games at Ten Pin lanes with my friend Natalie from work and two of her friends. Not my finest hour of bowling, but I enjoy being out with people.

Today, I went to church with my Grandad and my two brothers and then I went out to my parent's house for Easter dinner with Brian and my brothers. We had a lovely meal and I am still stuffed. I am so jealous because Eliot and Graham are in such great shape. I mean, Graham does run marathons! I may go to the gym myself in a few minutes and watch "Just like Heaven." Or maybe I will go for a walk here. It made me happy that Brian's mom said hello to me while he was in the phone with her. I can't wait to meet his parents, even though it will probably be a few months. I'll charm the pants off of them, I am quite sure.

Oh, so I will be traveling to Ole Miss next weekend with Adam Chapman for Allison's recital. I am excited about seeing old friends, etc.

I went to dinner last night at Carabba's with my friends Amy and Matt Webb, who got married about three weeks ago in Indianapolis. They are so cute together. I didn't think Carabba's was honestly that great. I think my favorite Italian place in town is Martini's. I am kind of a restaurant snob though. I tend to prefer the weird and local (even though Martini's is a chain as well) over the normal. The Webbs even paid for my meal, which was so not necessary. Then, I took them to the fabulous Homemade Ice Cream and Pie Kitchen in St. Matthews, a local patisserie, which I absolutely love. Amy and I split the chocolate chess pie a la mode.

We got back to my house at 9:30 and I watched SVU before heading to Brian's for the night. He ripped the shirt I bought for him at the Gap in October. I was kind of irritated, but whatever. His brother was drunk, no surprise there and when he and Bobby "the big dog" (their other roommate) got back from the bar at 4 am, they were yelling and stuff. Jason, the brother, wanted Brian to get up and "party" (I will only imply drug usage on this) with him but thankfully, Brian just stayed in bed with me. His brother is fucking crazy sometimes and although I feel sorry for him, I can't wait until Brian is living away from him.

Today, I worked at A Taste of Kentucky and basically just talked to my co-workers Linda and Pat the whole five hours. I don't get paid much, but since I don't do very much anyway, I feel like that is okay. Then I came home, heated up my leftover pasta from last night, watched "My Super Sweet Sixteen," and then went to the gym to lift weights and power walk for 45 minutes and still watched "My Super Sweet Sixteen." That show is addictive, but those kids are real brats. I mean spending over $100,000 on somebody's birthday party is absolutely ridiculously. And the crap that comes out of their mouths is terrible.

The sad thing is and this sounds so darn perfunctory, but I have gained a few pounds and even though it is hard to tell, it makes me upset. I eat too much sugar and too many carbs. And too big portions. Oh my goodness, I just want to be thin sometimes, which sounds retarded.

I am about to settle down now and watch "Big Love," my favorite television show at the moment. And yes, it is about polygamy but it is great! And even though I think polygamy is wrong, I don't necessarily think monogamy is for everyone. This show gives pros and cons to the polygamous relationships of one Utah family. One very big positive aspect is that you really do have a lot of love and support from people, especially other women. The relationships are warm and unique. However, sharing a husband with someone else would be strange and definitely would trigger jealousy. It's something to think about, if nothing else.

Bridal showers

Today I held a bridal shower for Sarah, my brother's fiancee. They are getting married in Chicago next month and it should be great. And I am a bridesmaid, finally. Although, it has been a little expensive so far. My dress was $154, but it is beautiful and green so it will go well with my sort-of red hair. I just can't seem to find cream colored shoes.

Anyway, the shower went pretty well. There is some drama in my family though because one of my cousins is about to get a divorce. And our family was supposed to be so perfect (sarcastically). When my mom got a divorce, people looked down on her, but now there have been a few more divorces, so we are slowly becoming more normal.

In other news, I yelled at my boyfriend Brian for the upteenth time because it has been hard to spend time with him lately because he is in music school and is about to get his master's but is in danger of failing. Why was school so easy for me? However, he is much, much more intelligent than me in things like jazz, improvisation, and theory.

I can't believe that we will be dating a year at the end of this month. Time has just gone by so fast this year.

I am looking forward to moving to Boston in four months; I am just worried about the money.