Another Thursday...

Although my life seems to be going in the right direction, I have been struggling lately. When you don’t have faith in anything but yourself (and in my case, very little of that), often it is hard to rely on other people. I don’t really talk about religion often, but I find most of the time that I’m not sure if I believe in God or any god at all. This is a pretty serious thing to talk about, so I won’t take long. Maybe it’s just that growing up, I was always let down by someone and still am let down by others. I know they say God doesn’t give up on you, but God and I aren’t close and really haven’t been for a long time. This is also another reason why I don’t feel comfortable getting married in a church. I would feel like a hypocrite; I don’t feel like I know that God anymore.



Well, I just feel there are a lot of disappointments in life, many of which happen to me. And I don’t have any ill family members, really big financial woes, or something horrible that has happened to me. Just small things, but to me, they loom over me like dark clouds. For example, Brian hasn’t gotten a job for the fall yet, people at work don’t like me (really only like one or two people, who are very immature anyway), our vacation is cut short, we have a very tight budget for the wedding, etc. The wedding has been a subject of woe lately. I told Sarah (Keith’s wife) that any expectation for this wedding seems too high. I’m almost not that excited to plan it anymore because Brian and I don’t even have a real date and without that, there is a halt to the planning. It’s a frustrating matter all the time. And I’m a frugal bride, so money is an object.



My father has also been an issue. First of all, he never called me or anything to congratulate me on my engagement. He did send an e-mail, which was sent to my spam account. When I finally called him, he said that he would try to make it to the wedding, wherever he was then (he was recently fired from another job and kicked out of his girlfriend’s home), but then he proceeded to change the subject. He never offered to pay for anything, and as far as I’m concerned, his name will not be on the invitation. Often, I feel like he is almost dead to me. What is his problem? My brothers and I don’t understand him at all. He will never really have any kind of active role in my life.



I’m thinking of telling my sister-in-law that she can’t be a bridesmaid any more. That is really drastic, but she never returns my phone calls. Well, sometimes she does. She’s just like someone else I know who never ever returns phone calls because they are just too busy. However, I don’t think she would come to visit her sister in Boston (like this other person) and not tell me. By the way, that really hurt and now, I don’t feel so bad for not going to her wedding. Okay, back to Sarah, my sister-in-law. I guess I can’t fire a bridesmaid now, but I should’ve known better than to ask her. However, she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, which is the only wedding I’ve ever been in so far.



Anyway, I needed to get all of that off of my chest. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack sometimes. It hasn’t really been that easy. It’s very easy for some people to be happy all the time, but for me, it’s not easy.